One of Us

I was raised Catholic.  I have been baptized, did communion, and I am confirmed.    I have always questioned the things I was taught ever since I was little.  I went to religion every Sunday and I remember my religion teachers coming up with answers to some of my questions.  Some of them satisfied me, but others just left me with more questions.  By the time I was in Middle School and High School I was really skeptical.  I realized at an early age the bible was flawed and if there was a God he would be completely against this bible. The bible was not written by him.  It was written by humans and humans are flawed. There are so many contradictions in the bible that if you tried to make sense of it, it would drive you mad.  The contradictions also lead to the problem of people being able to interpret it however they want.  Another problem I have with it is that it has been rewritten so many times over thousands of years who knows what the original ever said.  Just like the telephone game in a classroom.  The end sentence is nothing like the original. Think about that.  That statement has been repeated about twenty times in the time frame of a few minutes.  What can happen to something over thousands of years?

Ignoring the problem of the bible changing and just going by what we have now, we still have the problem of different people interpreting it differently.  It is definitely hard to understand because nothing is upfront. The whole thing is written in metaphors.  Beyond that the contradictions are endless.  It says one thing in one part and then the complete opposite in another.  Catholics pretty much have a set way on how they interpret it. I do not agree with most of these and the church does not like it if you question them at all.  At one point the Deacon teaching my religion class wanted to kick me out because I asked a question.  He got mad that I was questioning things.  He told me that if I didn't believe in what was being said why was I in class?  We got in a fight about it and he wanted me to leave and not come back.  I almost did leave.  I wanted a religion that was more open than that.  I should be able to ask questions, question things about my faith and have someone give me an answer.  Or be honest and tell me there is no right answer.  Not to get angry and tell me to shut up and just accept what is being said.  To be honest the only reason I was confirmed was so I could be a God parent for someone if asked.  I know that is not a good reason, but I went to religion for all those years and I wanted something out of it.

For the most part I believe in science.  This however does not mean I am not spiritual, because I am.  I believe in guardian angels and life after death.  I do believe there is something more than just the physical and what we see.  I also believe there might be something greater than us, such as a God or Gods.  I am not opposed to these things, I just don't believe the Catholic religion or even what the bible has to say about it. I really think the Catholic religion itself is too restrictive on so many levels. This debate of creation or evolution... Why can't both exist?  Why do the two things have to be mutually exclusive?  Because these things weren't mentioned in the bible?  Don't they realize that man wrote the bible? Obviously they had no idea about this stuff at the time.  Computers and cars are not mentioned in the bible.  I also don't like the do this or go to hell mentality.  I am a good person because that is the right thing to do. Not because I am going to go to hell if I am not.  Not going to church is a sin?  Please I will worship how I want to.  Another thing that really upsets me is the thought that babies are born with sin.  Are you kidding?  What can be more innocent?  Kids are innocent too.  To believe that something is born with sin because of sins of Eve or their ancestors makes no sense to me at all.  Who came up with this?  We have to pay for other people's sins too?  I just don't like it.  I could go on and on and on....

Since I have told people that I am going on the list I have been getting a lot of "congratulations", "good luck", "I will be thinking of you", and "I will praying for you".  I am also getting the "God is good" comments.  "Oh God is good you are getting new lungs", and "God is blessing you with new lungs".  I don't know how I feel about the God is good and he is blessing me comments.  I don't mind that people are saying them to me, that is their belief, but for me I just don't believe it. This might seem wrong, but if God was so good why do I need new lungs in the first place?  If God blesses good people and is blessing me with new lungs why did I have bad ones to begin with?  I guess I really don't understand.  Some people might say well God gave this to you for a reason and he only gives you what you can handle.  I don't agree with this either.  I would agree I am a strong person, but I wouldn't say I should be punished for that. I am a strong person so God gave me this struggle.  I am strong because of what I am going through.  I mean people look at me and can't believe how I endure through everything.  I don't take too much credit though because if this was you, I am sure you would be just as strong. What other choice do you have?  That brings me to another point...people say "I wouldn't have gotten through this if it wasn't for God."  "God thank you for giving me the strength to....etc etc."  If people want to believe that... fine so be it, but really give yourself more credit.  I refuse to believe that God gave me the strength I have.  I believe it is something we have within ourselves and we control a lot of how we react to things.  Needing God to get through something...  What about overcoming something yourself?  I don't know, I guess I just don't get it.  Sometimes I say I envy someone who has such faith because they have that thing to look to and help them, but at the same time, I don't really want it.  I don't understand that feeling people have and to be honest I want to be able to rely on myself at the end of the day, not a God.  Like I said I am sure this is really pissing people off right now, but that is how I feel.

For people who have commented to me this way or want to in the future...feel free to express your feelings however you want.  I am not judging you or your relationship with God.  To some people that relationship is very important to them.  I am not trying to change anyone's mind or break anyone's faith.  I am just expressing my feelings towards God and religion. I am told that this whole process is going to be an emotional one so I was just expressing one of them.  Something I wanted to get off my chest.